I am very aware that my previous posts don't paint the male daters in a great light. I will also say that I know there are some great guys on these sites who have had a rough time from us females. Not me I will add as I am 'normal'. Well I think I am . I have met a few really lovely guys over the past few years through dating sites and consider myself lucky to be still in contact with a couple of them. One of them who has posted on here himself has become one of my closest friends who I adore. Ok Dick I said something nice can I go now? Please just loosen the ties!
My problem hasn't necessarily been with horrific dates, although there have been a couple. I do tend to message for a while and chat on the phone or video call before a first date which helps weed out the majority of weirdos (not all as you'll see in future posts, but most).
So I am not tarring every male on the planet with the same brush.
I have however found that a lot of the guys fall into the following categories:
First off then Mr Gorgeous looks amazing over 40, perfectly groomed, fit and bloody well knows it. He will take longer getting ready for a date than I will and spend the whole time we are together telling me how many women he's fighting off with a stick or how he responds to 'ugly' women who message him. Now I would never class myself as anything particularly wonderful to look at. If I was put in a beauty competition with Cinderella's ugly sisters, Princess Fiona from Shrek and Medusa, I may come in third. I used to be intimidated by this type now I just think what a prick.
Ok so Mr Ego, a bit like Mr Gorgeous but will spend the whole date telling you about themselves without asking anything about you. If when they do stop for air and you can partake in conversation they'll cut you dead and continue with their story of how much money they have or their amazing job blah blah blah. And at the end of the date they will ask a question! Hooray! The question they ask is your name as its slipped their mind. Nothing more to say to him.
Mr Shy. This is a hard one as via message he's been funny, intelligent and ticks a lot of boxes but sadly face to face he can't say boo to a goose and there is no conversation. It's a painful date. I used to get very nervous prior to a first date and the more I liked someone the worse I was but I hid it and pushed myself to interact. Mr Shy just can't do that. You try a second date but find visiting the dentist is more fun, no change so time to say goodbye.
Then you've got Mr Pervert. I only had one date with someone from this category. He slipped my vetting procedure and hid it well until we met. He's hit his forties and decided he wants to live out his fantasies no matter how strange they are and wants you to get involved. (See previous post but I did not meet the wrestler). Only thing left to say here is no thanks, byeeee.
Finally there is Mr Sporty. When he eventually finds the time in between running, cycling, snowboarding in The Alps, kayaking down The Amazon or Skydiving in Australia, you find you really have very little in common. I love sports! I played netball, hockey, volleyball. I danced competitively but all over 20 years ago. Now I participate in sport from the comfort of my sofa. The only movement I need to make is my finger switching between rugby, athletics, boxing or motorsport. The only time I build up a sweat is waiting for Owen Farrell to convert. So as you can see, this category is not for me. Jog on Mr.
Now I'm sure there are many other types out there and as I'm single again I'm in no doubt I'll find them. I can't wait.
Now that got your attention! We all have them. It's great to have an active, fertile imagination. Some people get to act out theirs, whilst others keep it quiet, a secret escape in one's head, but why the hell do some folks want to share their deepest darkest and most unusual desires with a person they've been messaging for less than an hour? Answers on a postcard please.
I consider myself pretty open minded, non judgemental and at age 43, when I started the dating journey, pretty much aware or so I thought!
After a very long day at work I come home and get into my primani pj's. My hair looks like I've been dragged through a hedge backwards. I'm feeling pretty unattractive. I pour a glass of wine and curl up on the sofa with a good book. My phone pings. BenDover73 has sent you a new message. (Yes that was his username and yes I still opened the message ). I was still very naive at this point.
Pretty standard message "hey babe fancy chatting".
I quite like being called babe and other terms of affection by a partner or friend, but it really pisses me off from a random stranger. As does Hun, darling, sugar tits and anything along those lines.
So as you can imagine I'm not feeling particularly enamoured but as I'm still at the stage of not being rude and replying to every message, I send a quick hi back. I've learnt that quite often you'll reply to a message then don't hear anything for days. So I put my phone down and carried on reading. Ping ping ping. You have 3 messages from BenDover73. Ooh he's keen! His messages said he was really pleased I'd replied. He had read my profile. Did I wrestle?
Did I what? I looked at that message for a while trying to work out what predictive text had converted it from. We've all had that. I could not for the life of me work it out so I replied " wrestle???".
BenDover73 replied "yes wrestling, do u fancy it?".
Well I can honestly say I have never in my life considered wrestling. I used to watch it as a kid on the telly back in the 80's but that was it.
I assumed he was trying to gauge if I'd like to go and watch wrestling on a date. It would be a different first date I guess to a meal or a drink but it's a little too early to meet as I know nothing about him. I really was an innocent back then. Oh how plenty of fuck ups changed that!
I respond that it's not something I've ever considered. BenDover73 tells me I should and that I don't know what I'm missing out on. I'm a little perplexed. I read his profile again. Says he's 44, athletic build, engineer, likes football, going to the gym and other hobbies but no mention of wrestling. I reply and say "it's a bit early to arrange a date . Tell me about yourself".
Why oh why did I ask that?
BenDover73 replies with chapter and verse and all becomes clear. He has a fantasy. He gets off on wrestling with a female but also on 2 women wrestling but not in mud as that's far too messy apparently. He goes on to explain what moves he would make and what I'd be required to do. He tells me what I'd be wearing..
Now I was thinking back to the 80s wrestling. The days of Big Daddy and Giant Haystacks. Very large men in larger versions of a mankini and there is no way on earth I'll be squeezing my size 16 mum bod into one of those. I can assure you of that. Not that I was considering taking BenDover73 up on his offer, but I needn't worry as BenDover73 didn't want me wearing a bizarre looking man sized leotard, he wants me dressed like Brittney Spears in that video. Pigtails too. What the actual fuck!
I'm actually lost for words. Very unusual for me. Not sure how to reply in a polite way telling him to do one. So I just blocked him.
Over the past few years I've received many messages from prospective love interests filling me in on their fantasies and what they'd like to do with me. Cheers chaps. Scarred for life by some.
I've had the common ones. The sexy undies. Restraints. The foot fetish. Huge long messages about their desires with feet and what they'd like to do to mine. Touch mine and I'll kick like a mule. I hate feet and mine being touched!
I've had the guy who constantly asked me to describe a fight scene with Victoria Pendleton and one of my personal favourites was the guy whose sole purpose in life was to be my human footrest. Yep he really does exist. There have been many other weird and wonderful messages I'll save for a later day.
I've learnt a lot since joining online dating. Some of it's been useful for the most part quite disturbing. Telling your partner your fantasies are fine but please please please don't share with a stranger.
I'm off now to ponder on Christian Grey and his tie collection (ladies you know what I mean ).
After the nightmare of setting up my profile and receiving a torrent of penis pics I did receive some normal messages. One guy in particular piqued my interest. Rob was the same age as me, tall, ex Army and could string a sentence together. Quite a novelty on dating sites I can assure you. He wasn't what I'm usually attracted to. He was completely bald with brown eyes. In fact the complete opposite of what I usually find aesthetically pleasing. We messaged back and forth for a while. Then came the familiar text. Are you on WhatsApp? Oh great here we go again. I explained my reluctance to give my number as I was still recovering from the horrors I'd previously received.
Oh forgot to mention in my first blog, not only did I receive many many many dick pics, I also received a video from one creative creature. Yes, a video. He took the (what had come to be the normal run of the mill dick pic) one step further and created a film. He sent a video of himself butt naked shaking his John Thomas at the camera with so much vigour I was concerned it may drop off. Not only was he shaking his stuff he was doing it to music. I remember it was a Cliff Richard song and I do remember thinking there was no way I could date a guy with such crap music taste. BLOCK.
Rob assured me he was not going to send me any naked pics and he couldn't understand why guys do, so we swapped numbers. He messaged and true to his word no nasty pics.
We got on really well via message. We had similar interests and things were going good. He then asked if I'd like to go on a date.
Holy shit! He actually wants to meet. I can't do that! I've never been on a date with someone I've never met. It's ok messaging, having a laugh from the safety of my sofa but actually meet? I literally went into panic mode. I phoned my mate for advice. "Well you are on a dating site aren't you. Just go meet him". Shit. Shit. Shit.
I agree to meet Rob. He lives 30 miles away so I wasn't sure how this would work but bless his cottons he offered to drive down to a town a few miles from me and meet for a coffee. The day arrives. I remember it well. It was the day after Boxing Day. I didn't sleep well the night before worrying about it. We were due to meet at 12.30 so I start getting ready at 8am . I had no idea what to wear. I tried on about 20 different outfits. My bedroom floor was covered in the contents of my wardrobe. I think I drove my mate potty with the pics I sent asking if this looked ok, or what about this, does my arse look huge in this or am I showing too much in this? I finally settled on a new top I'd never worn before, jeans and boots. My hair was done, now for a bit of makeup.
I don't wear makeup often. Not because I don't like it but because I'm ham fisted. My attempts at putting makeup on makes me look like a drag queen. I decide on the minimalistic look. A touch of foundation as I'm as white as a sheet, a little eyeshadow and mascara. I put mascara on one eye. Perfect, not too much just right, I'm happy with that. My hands are shaking so much. I attempt the second eye and stab the mascara wand straight into my eyeball. I blink furiously as it stings. When I finally recover I look in the mirror and Alice Cooper is staring back at me. Oh ffs! Take it all off and start again minus mascara this time.
It will take me about 20 minutes to get where we are due to meet. My stomach is in knots. I can't stop peeing with nerves. What if he doesn't like me, what if I don't like him, what if he tries to kiss me. Aaaarrrggghh!
Oh please don't try to kiss me. I haven't kissed anyone other than my late husband in over 20 years. Oh my god I'm completely freaking out. I phone my mate yet again and ask her what I should do,. "just relax, enjoy and see how it goes". I say that over and over in my head. Well I thought it was in my head. It would seem I was informing everyone on the bus what I needed to do. It wasn't until I almost reached my destination that a fellow passenger asked if I was ok. I looked at her a little blankly. She told me I'd been talking aloud. Repeating the same mantra Relax, enjoy, see how it goes, over and over for 20 bleeding minutes. Mortified!
I head to the coffee shop we had agreed to meet in. I walk in and he's already sat waiting for me. I'm literally shaking all over. He stands to greet me and gives me a peck on the cheek. We order our coffee and start chatting. Now I'm not an overly confident person and through our texts I was bubbly and articulate. Face to face I had turned into a bumbling shy quiet mouse. The conversation did flow and I started to relax. We got on really well. We ordered another coffee. Well my first one went cold as I was shaking so much I daren't lift the cup incase I threw it everywhere. The time flew. We had 3 coffees then I said I needed to get home. We left the coffee shop. I turned to say goodbye and he did it. Yep he bloody well kissed me. We were standing in the middle of a crowded shopping centre and he just swooped. I froze. What was I supposed to do? I managed to unlock my lips from his, made an awkward giggle, muttered my goodbyes and literally sprinted to the bus. Ok not sprint more of a fast waddle.
I sat on the bus in a state of shock. He kissed me. He kissed me. HE kissed ME. "Are you ok dear" the old man sitting in front of me asked. Oh no not again. Why have I suddenly developed talking to myself syndrome. I tell him I'm fine. I actually tell him the whole first date story. I'm sure he loved that bus journey! I get home, my daughter sat in the front room and asks where I've been. I say I met a friend for coffee, as the kids were not happy at me starting dating. I'll tell you about that another time. I take off my coat and daughter says you look nice but that top is completely see through. what?. I run upstairs and yes in the light my lovely black blouse is completely see through. So Rob had been sat for 3 hours looking at my tits. Along with the rest of the coffee shop. I'm sooo embarrassed.
My phone pings a little later it's Rob. He's home. He had a great time. Thinks I'm lovely and would like to see me again. Oh my I wasn't expecting that. I agree I had a nice time. We did meet a few more times and got on really well until I found out he was a compulsive liar . Don't insist on adding someone as a friend on Facebook if you are going to tell porkies. You get found out very quickly.
So back to POF I went.
I'm a little worried that the fellas on here may have the wrong impression of this page. So far my posts have only been from the female point of view. So here is an example of dating from a males perspective. For the record the girl is not me! He was late to our first date for a start .
The following is from one of my friends. We met on Plenty of Fuck ups a couple of years back. Had 4 dates but it wasn't meant to be, (It's ok, put your violins and tissues away). He has however become one of my closest friends. He is funny, intelligent and a royal pain in my arse. We affectionately call each other Dick and Tit and I can honestly say I think we will be friends for life. So thank you POF for actually bringing something valuable into my life. (He would probably say different and I'm sure he will later ). So without further ado, here is Dick……
After reading what’s been put up so far I’d like to add my first experience of online dating.
To set the scene imagine if you will.
In my early 40’s. Lost my mum and a few months later I’d realised my marriage was over. We’d just become friends. I was down. The lowest I’d ever been.
A few months later, out up my local, one of the barmaids I’d not seen for a while asked how I was.
Told her the same as I told everyone else.” I’m fine, just another day “
She wasn’t having any of it.
Got told point blank “you’re a good man, you deserve to be happy. You have so much to give. I know......... I’ll get you on pof ....”.
At the time I had no idea what she was on about, just gave her my phone as asked. All night she was asking me questions about me that I had no idea what they were for.
The following morning I woke up. Looked at my phone as I always do. Texts from mates. Videos in messenger. 12 notifications from pof!
Thought to myself ... who’s that? Why does she “like” me. And her ... who’s that? Clicked on it and I was in the site.
Was greeted to “to see who liked you upgrade your membership for £££”
I’d been with my ex for years and before that if you wanted to meet someone you went to town, a bar or nightclub and talked. Fuck that. What kind of site had I been put on? However, I did have a message. Hi, how are you ? Pressed on her and saw a profile. Attractive girl. Good interests. Plenty to say about herself. So I replied I’m good. How about you? Pressed the button.
So I’d sent my first message. Oh the anticipation. I waited. And waited.
Nothing! Was gutted. A day later I got a reply, “sorry been busy at work, how you doing ? “
Sounded like the message I’d had before but thought I’d reply. Straight away got a message back. Her day was good, she’d been busy, looking forward to a dinner and to chill in front of the tv. We spent the next few hours swapping messages. Laughing at life's events, finding out about her and my jobs.
We carried on chatting for a few days.
Really felt we were getting on . Thought we were more suited than I’d expected.
And then the bombshell....... she asked if we could go on a date, A date! Something I'd not done for over 15 years .... the panic set in. What are you meant to do on a date now. Times have changed. Is it still a go for a drink? A meal? The cinema? How do I dress? I’m always in jeans and a T-shirt. Do I need to buy an outfit just for a date?
I had to ask her. Was told to be myself
Hmmm myself ......this is where I found out it’s easy to talk to a stranger behind a keyboard ..... now I have to do it in person! A few more texts soon put my mind at ease. Told my mates about the date. Showed them all the pictures.
Got the usual piss take as lads do, she’s to good for you ... your gonna get your dick wet and so on. I honestly didn’t know what to expect after hearing that.
So the big night comes. I’m showered.
Shaved (I don’t shave, I trim my stubble).
Shirts ironed (I can’t use an iron).
Shoes are on (I’m always in trainers).
And so the drive to the agreed venue, almost as nerve racking as the drive home from the hospital with my newborn.
I arrive early. Take a seat at a table. Order a drink. Feeling daft dressed up, drinking by myself. And then she walks in. Exactly as she looked. She sees me, waves, gives a big smile and sits down. I call the waitress over get her a drink
and the small talk starts. Apparently she’d had a hard day at work.
The cat had been ill. Car passed it’s mot.
We continue talking like this for a little longer. At this stage I’m relaxed. I feel I’ve met someone on my level. The humour is top notch. Our lives are similar. I’m in. I’m happy. She could be the one I’ve been waiting for!
And then ........ she says the words I’ll never forget.
“ I’m a serial dater “
“ I like the way the guy always buys the meal “
“ I’ve not paid for food in weeks”
“ not looking to settle down, just go out and be spoilt “.
Turns out I was date number 6 in 4 days.
Ummmmmmm......... thought I was dating to find someone not to just chat.
This is where evil me came out. It was clear she wasn’t looking for a partner, just a free ticket. The waitress came back and saw what she thought was a happy couple so I asked my date what she’d like to eat.
Order was placed. I was asked what I wanted. Big fat steak will do me ......
After a few more minutes told my date I needed the loo.
The truth is I walked and got in my car. Got a text 5 mins later asking where I was. I told her the truth. I was looking to be happy, not pay for someone’s meal I’d never met.
The poor girl wasn’t happy that she had to pay for two meals as she could have been on another date, but she’d chosen me!
So much for thinking you’re happy talking to someone and getting on.
There is more to say if you’d like to hear it.
When I was thinking about setting this page up I spent an age (well about 20 minutes actually) considering what to call it. I toyed with different names until I went back to my first choice. A bit like when us women go clothes shopping. Trying on dresses in every shop and eventually going back to the first one we went to and buying that dress we tried on 4 hours previously.
I don't think online dating sites spend anytime at all choosing the name. There are many sites out there with varying formats promising you the best success rates. I have tried a few but I never really went for one based on its name. No, I chose the free sites. I don't want to pay for love. Love is free! Plus I'm a skint widow and this dating lark is not cheap.
I am not a marketing or branding expert but I would imagine that name choice would be a huge priority. Something that you would invest a great deal on getting right. It would seem not!
Apart from my go to site POF and believe me I have gone to it a fair few times, you have Tinder. All I can think of when I see the Tinder name is dead wood! Well that does actually sum up the site really well. If you want to get RSI of the thumb for constantly swiping left, mutually match with someone who never ever messages, or you just want messages asking if you fancy hooking up with some random stranger, then this is the site.
You've got Bumble. Sounds like its going to sting. How about Badoo. Those first 3 letters . We also have Zoosk. Again those first 3 letters! There are some that cater for a certain preference. Grindr. Not a site I would use but why would anyone be drawn to a name like that. Another is Scruff. Really! Then there is Christian Mingle or Jswipe. I'm of no religious persuasion but I wonder how one proves their faith?
One that boils my blood is Gleeden. A site for extra marital relationships. And lastly on my list is DateMySchool. Now that's just wrong!
There are hundreds of sites out there, and no I have never tried them all, (there's still time) all promising to help you find your perfect match. The problem is it's the same buggers on all the sites. After feeling quite disillusioned I deleted Plenty of Fuck Ups and tried a different site only to discover the cockwomble I had blocked on Pof was now messaging me on this site with the same crap I'd blocked him for previously. Give me strength.
So back to Pof it was.
Now I can only go by a female's perspective of looking at guys on these sites, so fellas apologies if you feel I am doing you a disservice but why oh why do you men put pictures up holding a giant fish? Please feel free to message me your views. I said VIEWS nothing else thank you!
How the hell is you holding some old trout going to make me think oh he looks like a real catch! The picture of you standing next to your car/bike/yacht, or worse yet the topless one. For God's sake man put your hairy moobs away. Not attractive in the slightest bit.
Do ladies have pictures posing with a saucepan or seductively stroking the steamer? I think not. And I can't say I've ever been photographed lounging on my ironing board in the hope of attracting my perfect man. Please just normal pics, with your clothes ON is all that is needed.
I didn't go online dating to meet Mr Perfect. I'm a realist. I just want to meet Mr nice, funny and normal. I don't care about your job, what car you drive or even if you live in a penthouse or a caravan. Although if you still live with your Mum the likelihood of me coming back for coffee after date 3 is zero. Simon aged 48 is fully aware of that after telling me on our first date that if we were going to get "jiggy with it" that we would have to be quiet as his mum didn't sleep well and we may disturb her.
STOP! Wtf. Firstly Simon I'm a lady! I'm not getting jiggy with anyone after a first date. Not even if you were Brad Pitt or Chris Hemsworth. Well actually if it was Chris I may have to seriously consider how much of a lady I am. Oh my him as Thor in Ragnarok. Hmmmm . Ooh I think I need a cold shower!
Ok I've calmed myself. Where was I? Oh yes Simon. Now lookie here Simon I've just had one glass of wine and unless you've slipped me a Mickey, I'm not going to get jiggy with you tonight or any other night. There is more chance of me being picked up and carried off into the sunset by Richard Gere in THAT uniform than me and you making any noise to disturb your poor old mum.
I'm sure I don't need to add but I will, that I did not meet Simon's mum, we did not have a second date or even a second drink. As they say, there are plenty more fish in the sea. I just seem to find the sharks, eels and tiddlers on the end of my rod.
Online dating is not all negative. One positive thing I've taken from it is that I am not yet that desperate.
How did I find myself on internet dating at the age of 43? Some find they've been traded in for a newer shinier model, for others it's a choice they are single, for me I was inconveniently widowed aged 41. I know a real bugger hey. So after my gorgeous lovely man popped off I was quite lost. Having been with him since I was 20 I wasn't really sure what to do. He had told me just before he passed to go out and find someone new. Not something I wanted to hear at the time and yes I know, a totally unselfish thing to say. If it was me I would have told him I'd come back and rattle the locks or move the furniture if he so much as kissed another woman. Of course I would have wanted him to be happy. But happy and alone. We can't all be perfect!
So 14 months later (not long I know but we all have needs and I needed someone who could use a screwdriver) and after far too many glasses of wine and with the encouragement of my friend. Yeah thanks for that mate! I decided to dip my toe in the dating pool. Well actually I didn't just dip my toe you could say I dived in head first, and found myself out of my depth very quickly.
I had absolutely no bloody idea where to start. I was advised Plenty of Fish, or plenty of fuck ups as I now call it, would be the best place. A huge site with millions of potential matches just waiting.
Oh my dear life! It's hardly a list of Who's Who more a line up for Crimewatch. Now don't get me wrong there are some decent guys on there, you just have to sift through the mountain of shit to find one.
So my profile was created, I just needed to add a photo. Oh bugger. I hate pictures of me. The only way I look half decent in a pic is if it's taken in the dark with no flash. Picture added and we are off!
In all honesty I didn't have a clue what I was doing and before I'd even finished my profile I was alerted I had new messages. Oooh how exciting. I really had no idea at this point how naive I was.
I eagerly open the message it's from Paul aged 44. It's quite short, 'hi hun how's u?". I check his profile, he looks nice. Not really any other info other than the basics that you are required to fill in.
I hastily reply as I don't want to keep Paul waiting.
"Hi Paul. I'm very well thank you. How are you?".
I'm sitting there rather pleased with myself and quite excited with anticipation. Time ticks on. No reply. But I do have another 20 messages. I open each one, all pretty much the same format. I check profiles. Oh some are not really my type but I can't be rude so I reply to everyone. I discover I can be rude and ignorance is bliss.
In the meantime Paul has replied. "Yeah gud ta. What you looking 4". Again I hastily reply with a paragraph of what I seek and ask him the same. Paul replies a bit later "I'm looking for fun". I sit and think for a minute on how to reply. A relationship is fun so I reply that I too am looking for fun.
Now I do actually sit and cringe, mortified that I was that stupid not to realise what he meant. Paul replies instantly " u on whatsapp?". Uh??? I ask Paul what it is. He tells me. I explain I don't have it. Again instant reply this time a huge paragraph explaining how I get WhatsApp, telling me its soooo much easier to message and he includes his phone number. Oh he is so kind!
I install WhatsApp. I add his number and say hi. He replies straight away then after a few minutes I get a notification I have a new picture message. Oooh what can that be? I open it and all I can think is……..
Welcome to hell.
Now I am no prude, I won't make judgements on anyone but why the hell would you do that. Do what I hear you ask! (unless you are a lady who's been on a dating site as you already know whats coming).
I've opened the message and was faced with a picture of what I can only describe as a dead turkey hanging in the butcher's window. I look again to make sure it's not something else and my eyes are deceiving me, but no, oh no, my eyes are working just fine and he really has sent me a picture of his penis. I think I'm in shock. Paul has sent me Little Paul. His knob. Paul sent me a fucking dick pic!
I drop my phone. I go into a bit of a panic. It had been a while since I last saw one. I phone my mate. She has done internet dating in the past. She is so advanced and has WhatsApp. It would seem everyone does in 2017. She also seemed so unfazed by it. So I sent her the pic as I'm still in shock. I rant and rave about how I'm disgusted and how do I reply to that blah blah blah. She tells me to simply block him. Block him? So explanation on how to do that ensues followed by about 20 minutes of raucous laughter at how apt it was I called it little Paul. And how unattractive the male member is. Sorry guys
After feeling the need to bleach my eyes and mind of that awful image I decided to log off. I needed to cleanse my mind, go to my happy place and have a large stiff drink.
Tomorrow is a new day and It can't all be bad. Can it?
Now you'd think I would have learnt from that, but no, little old trusting naive me fell for it time and time again. I had enough penis pics within a week to fill an album.
That was just the first week of my internet dating experience. We are now at the end of 2020 and a few months back I became single again. This time through choice. So here we go again!